Teach Your Kids the Secrets of Great Conversations

By Emily Mall —

Oct 8, 2024

When was the last time you had a great conversation?

When our Pivotal kids go out to eat to spend time with their grandparents, they come home and tell us that it’s really awkward for them. Instead of talking with their grandparents at the table, they end up quietly eating or just talking to each other. We’ve given them a few things and suggestions on what they could talk to their grandparents about, but the kids say it’s still too awkward.

We held our last MFP—Monthly Family Meeting Party—at a restaurant as we find it’s a good way to help us keep them short. We went through our Weekly Tops sheets (more on these and our MFPs coming soon) where on Sundays, each of us write down something we’re looking forward to the upcoming week. As we went through the previous month’s Weekly Tops, I paused. I realized we could use the sheets to teach the kids about good conversations. When you have information about something someone is excited about, cares about, or is working on, you have ingredients for a great conversation. It’s like bringing notecards on a date or questions to an interview. I told the kids this, and suggested we practice right then to show them what I mean:

Me: “Hey Charlie, I see you wrote one week last month that you were looking forward to your A&A classes. How did you like the A&A classes last month?”

Charlie: “They were good; I really liked my enriched chorus and enriched art classes.”

Me: “Which one was your favorite?”

Char: “I liked enriched chorus the best.”

Sidda: “I really liked those classes when I was in 5th grade. I had Ms. Kearning...”

I stopped Sidda.

Me: “Sidda, before you respond or attempt to connect with something about yourself, what is a better way you can help her feel heard about what she just shared?”

Sidda just shrugged, so we discussed how it was important to make someone feel heard before you switch the conversation to being about you. If you skip that “heard” part, the person you are talking to might not enjoy the conversation, not feel listened to, and feel talked at or over. No one likes that feeling and will likely cause them end the conversation sooner than later. To avoid this, you need to use some active listening skills, such as:

Staying focused. You’re solely focused on the speaker, rather than planning what to say in response.
Ask follow up questions. (Like I did to Charlie: “which one was your favorite?”)
Repeat, paraphrase, or reflect back to them what they said.

Sidda looked at her sister and tried again.

Sidda: “Char, so chorus is your favorite?”

Char: “Yeah, I really like my teacher and and being in the class with my friends.”

I told Sidda at this point, if she didn’t have any follow up questions and Charlie didn’t continue talking about her classes, she could now share her experiences. Alternatively, Charlie could continue (and signal she’s done talking about herself) by asking Sidda about one of the things she put on her Weekly Tops sheets.

I explained to the girls that a great conversation is more like a fun game of ping pong—a back and forth where everyone gets a turn—versus a selfish game of basketball where someone hogs the ball the whole time and just keeps shooting baskets (it’s fun for them, but no one else).

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Why is it important to be good at conversations?

“Conversation skills are important for children’s development and wellbeing. When children can have conversations, they can make friends, be listened to, ask for what they need and develop strong relationships with others. Conversation skills are about being able to talk and listen well.” Deidre Tranter, occupational therapist and family therapist.

If you need more reasons (other than to save yourself by helping them be more aware of their long, boring stories about weird dreams), here’s why teaching your kids conversation skills is valuable and important:

Conversation skills help our kids:

Build relationships: Kids can make friends, ask for help, and develop strong bonds with others.
Express themselves: Kids can share their thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
Understand others: Kids can empathize with others.
Succeed academically: Interactive conversations build the foundation for success in school.
Develop social skills: Conversation skills are closely linked to kid’s social skills, which are important for their wellbeing, identity, and emotional development.

Some examples of good conversation skills include:

Making eye contact
Initiating conversations
Learning not to interrupt
Having things to talk about
Getting someone's attention politely
Using respect when talking to others
Knowing when to speak and when to listen
Knowing when to wrap up a conversation and how to end one

This week:

1. Think about that last great conversation you had. Do you remember who was it with? Could you pinpoint why you liked it so much? Often, we don’t think about the details (what exactly we talked about, why the conversation was good, etc.), but we remember how we felt. Was it great because you felt heard and seen thanks to the other person’s follow up questions? Or was it the rhythm of the conversation, one that just flowed easily, or one that was a balanced back and forth? Was it an interesting topic everyone was excited about? Or was it because someone gave you an hour to talk and get something off your chest without interruption?

2. Think about a conversation you’ve had that was terrible. What made it so bad? Awkward pauses, stilted answers, or long-winded stories about dentists, car troubles, or dreams (can you tell those aren’t my favorite? 😝)? Did the other person seem bored and impatient? Did they just talk about themselves the whole time? We’ll find our excuses when chatting with someone who wants to talk at or over us, rather than with us.

My personal pet peeve is when the only question someone asks you is the obligatory starter question of “how are you?” and then not one more throughout the conversation. There are zero follow up questions to anything I say, just constant redirects back to themselves. For me, that is a sign of a terrible conversation because that feels less like a conversation and more like being in a class I didn’t sign up for. That said, depending on the situation, I am guilty of doing it sometimes, too! If you catch yourself talking too much, stop, and ask a question, even if it feels abrupt or awkward. It’s more likely the person will notice and appreciate the effort more than noticing the awkwardness or listening to you ramble.

3. Work on your conversation skills with your kids this week. Ask them if they know what makes a great conversation and a terrible one. Practice with them! Half of the battle is learning self awareness, so it helps to have someone help point things out to you as you get started. Eventually, great conversations will become natural and feel less silly. Teaching your kids these life skills will keep them ahead of the game! What a gift to pass on to your kids. ❤️

Help your kids develop conversation skills by:

Tuning in: Pay close attention to what your kid is looking at or doing. Are they bored, looking outside or around while talking to someone? Point it out to them, and gently remind them to show interest, or politely end the conversation. Conversation skills are great to practice with kids with neurodivergence, too!
Asking questions: Ask questions based on what you observed. “What else could you learn about someone by asking another question about what they talk to you about?”
Model the language you want your kid to use. “Please don’t interrupt me.” “Thanks for the chat!” “Tell me more about that!” “That sounds very cool.” Choose phrases your kids can have as go-to’s...Whatever feels natural for your family.
Keeping it going: Practice and give positive encouragement when your kid nails it throughout the week! “Hey, nice active listening/follow-up question/conversation closer! I caught that! *high fives*”

Thank you for reading! You’re doing such a GREAT JOB! *more high fives*