The #1 Thing You Need To ALWAYS Do With Your Kids
By Emily Mall —
Jul 5, 2024
We all make mistakes.
We are human! We all have our moments of exhaustion, hunger, stress, anger, irritation, frustration, etc. It feels especially terrible when we take it out on our kids.
This is called Displaced Aggression (or Displaced anger, frustration, etc.).
In her article, Melissa Porrey, LPC says: “Displaced aggression occurs when we direct our anger toward someone completely innocent and uninvolved in the situation that made us angry. Similarly, triggered displaced aggression occurs when someone does something to cause a minor annoyance and receives a disproportionately aggressive response. For example, your boss may have done something that makes you slightly angry or frustrated, but instead of resolving it directly with them, you go home and yell at your kids for not picking up their toys.”
As parents, we often catch ourselves after the damage is done. After yelling or snapping at our kids, we cool down and have more space to consider our own behavior and reaction. We notice the vibe in the room and the tension we caused. Our Pivotal kids may feel awkward, leave the room, disappear and disassociate into their tablets or video games, or even snap back at this stage in their development.
In these moments (that are not our finest), we remember the #1 Parenting Rule:
Repair.
We get up and find our kids and knock on their doors. We ask if we can talk for a minute and sit down next to them. We don’t call them over to us, tower over them, or get defensive. We apologize for our behavior and how we reacted. We ask them about how they feel, what happened, etc. We let them know we are sorry. We tell them what we’ll do next time. We let them know that we love them.
We model relationship for our kids. We demonstrate healthy ways for them to show up in the world, especially when there is conflict.
According to Dr. Ashurina Ream, “Repair continues to build trust, confidence, and connection in our relationship with our kids. They learn they can express their feelings and be heard and acknowledged. That leads to healthy attachment, which is a necessary part of healthy development. And modeling these repair skills will also imprint important communication and problem-solving skills onto our kids.”
This Week: Remember this alliterative sentence: I resolve to repair relationships. When you lose your cool, have compassion on yourself, and repair. Don’t feel great about the way a conversation, event, or reaction went yesterday...or even last week? Bring it up and repair! It’s never too late. Practice repair with everyone—your partner, friends, family, co-worker, or even a stranger you bumped into—and let it become second nature.
You can make mistakes and do a GREAT JOB. Keep it up!
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