6 Ways To Help Your Kid Navigate Conflict

Kids learn how to navigate arguments and conflict by doing it themselves with the tools and skills they’ve learned from you.

Once realized my mistake, I apologized. “Hey, actually…I’m sorry I shouldn’t have inserted myself in this. But you know what? This is a great time for you both to practice telling each other how to you feel and saying what you want so this doesn’t happen again.” They both sulked in their corners and played by themselves for a while. They were too in their feelings to jump on my suggestion.

Our kids are 10 and 12. They have many years of us telling them what to do and what not to do when upset (deep breaths, count to ten, talk to someone, etc.). However, they are now at a point where we need to teach them the skills and tools for navigating conflict with others on their own.

​The Child Mind Institute has some great tips to pass on to your kids when they are dealing with conflict. You can use these strategies as useful language to teach your kids or you can let them discover these on their own (print it out or send them the link):

1. Get in touch with your feelings. What is it that you are feeling? How does your body feel? Are you angry? Frustrated? Hurt? Once you’ve identified your feeling, decide if you need some time before you are ready to talk about it or find a resolution.
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2. Figure out what the problem actually is. Are your feelings hurt? Are you mad because someone took something of yours? Are you frustrated because you feel like someone isn’t listening to you? Try to pinpoint and get to the root of the conflict.
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3. Find a few solutions. Brainstorm all the ways this interact could’ve gone better or could go better next time. We suggest finding at least three, even if they are/feel silly or ridiculous.
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4. Get perspective. Because of how overwhelming big feelings are, it’s hard to look at the conflict from another view. But this helps! Just because you are mad right now, doesn’t mean the friendship or the event is over. Mistakes happen! Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if someone defined you by your mistakes?
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5. Communicate. Use “I” statements when you share your feelings. (No one can make you feel or do anything. You are your own person. Own your feelings and actions!) Once you’ve clearly said how you feel, ask for or say what you want. For example: “I feel____ when __ happens. I would like it if ___ happened next time.” Or simply: “I feel___. I want____.” If you are nervous about sharing, try practicing with a friend or adult first.
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6. Actively listen. Ask questions. You might not understand what the other person is saying or where they are coming from right away or at all. It might take some time before you are open to their side of the story. That’s ok! You can always take a time out, think about it, and return to the conversation. In some situations, you might not have the time or place to work something out, so remember that later is always an option (plus, you will have the added benefit of time and space to think about how you feel and what you want).

After I apologized to the girls, it took them about fifteen minutes before I noticed them swimming close to each other and starting to work out their conflict. As their conversation spun in circles, it was hard to not want to butt in and help them figure out a solution. However, I was curious enough to stay quiet and see if they’d figure it out on their own. (They did not. But they tried!) I figured I could always talk to them about it later and see if they wanted any help with the problem.

​The Child Mind Institute says: “One of the most powerful things you can do to help your child learn conflict resolution is to show them how it’s done…Seeing you succeed—and make mistakes along the way—shows kids that solving conflicts really is doable, even when it’s hard.”

Later, as I gave Dan the highlights of their conversation, we shook our heads at how they used phrases that we frequently use with them and each other. Our kids are mini-versions of us: they do as we do, whether we like it or not. 😆

This week: Stand on the sidelines next time your kids are in a conflict. Later, ask them if they’d like help or are open to it, and share the tools and strategies listed to help them navigate their problem. Suggest they try it like a “practice session” to take the pressure off and so “it’ll be easier next time.” Offer to practice with them. Or, use the strategies above to help you navigate a conflict you are having together!

You got this! 💪

You’re doing a Great Job!