Do You Want to Be Right or Happy?

There was a time “correcting” ran rampant in our family. Whenever it got out of control, I’d stop the conversation and say, “Is there a reason you need to be correct right now, because it feels like you are just trying to make me (or someone) feel bad about something, and you just want yourself to feel good.” This often stopped the perpetrator in their tracks and made them think about why they felt the need to correct someone in the first place.

Ugh. A lot of the time they are correct, but how do we teach our kids it isn‘t always necessary to be right?

Dan and I often use this quote from Marshall Rosenberg with our kids (and each other!):

“Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?”

Dan Mager, MSW says in his ​article on Psychology Today​:

Frequently, the need to be in control takes the form of a need to “be right.” For some personalities (most of us know at least one), it is standard procedure to exert control through the need to be right, believing and acting as if they know what’s best, regardless of the situation.

For someone who is emotionally attached to the need to be right, all divergent perspectives, ideas, suggestions, and actions must be “wrong.” The need to be right convinces him or her of the correctness of his or her approach, while ​attachment​ to this end serves to justify the means used to facilitate it. When this dynamic is acted out, it creates suffering for those caught in its wake—most often partners and family members, including children.

Children might feel the need to correct adults when they are wrong for a variety of reasons, often stemming from their own developmental stage and desire to feel empowered and understood. They have endured our constant correction and parenting for years, so naturally, when they get a chance to mimic or give it back, they take it! (Seriously, this ​Pivotal​ phase is the worst.)

Developmental Factors

• Learning and curiosity: Children are naturally inquisitive and eager to learn, which can lead them to point out inaccuracies as a way to demonstrate their own knowledge and understanding.

• Developing sense of justice: As children mature, they develop a sense of fairness and want to see things done correctly, which can manifest as correcting perceived mistakes.

• Testing boundaries: Sometimes, correcting adults can be a way for children to test their own power and autonomy, especially if they feel the adult is not listening or respecting their perspective.

Emotional Factors

• Self-Esteem boost: Correcting an adult can provide a child with a temporary sense of superiority and validation, especially if they feel undervalued or overlooked.

• Feeling heard and seen: If a child feels their opinions aren't typically valued, correcting an adult might be a way to feel heard and acknowledged.

• Fear of being wrong: Children might also fear being wrong themselves and project that onto adults, feeling the need to “fix” the situation.

The way a child corrects an adult depends on their individual personality, the specific situation, and the overall relationship dynamic. If they are raised in a household with ​Family Values​ that include intelligence, then they might be praised and have their ego boosted every time they correct someone (especially authority figures like teachers, bosses, etc.) and learn that that is a way to “prove” their intellect and worth. If this sounds like your family, proceed with caution: continuously correcting adults can indicate underlying issues like low self-esteem or a need for control, requiring further support and guidance.

While correcting adults can sometimes be frustrating, it can also be a learning opportunity for both parties if handled with patience and respect. Since it is not a value in our family, we have taught our kids to ask first (just like when offering opinions) before correcting someone. This took a lot of practice, coaching, and gentle reminding when they forgot, but overall, the need to be correct has fizzled out quite a bit!

This week: Look out for “correcting” moments with yourself and your kids:

1. When you catch yourself correcting someone: The same way you’d pause before offering an unsolicited opinion, catch yourself wanting to correct someone. Even if it‘s just grammar. Even if you know for a fact you are right. Practice a different way to correct others or your kids using language like: “Hey, I noticed something off about what you just said (or posted online). Want to talk about it or can I tell you what I think it is?”

2. When your kids correct you: Talk to them about it and let them know how it made you feel. “Hey, I know I made a mistake. Not everyone feels good about having them pointed out, so how about next time you keep it to yourself or ask me if I want to know/be corrected? Maybe it it would help me feel less bad about it.” Or “Needing to feel right all the time doesn’t mean you’ll feel good or be happy. It’s okay to be wrong, to let people make mistakes, and let things go without commenting on them. Let's both try to do that more.”

Working with and through this phase is key to it being over faster! Addressing it as soon as you can will be worth the effort. It’s really no fun to be corrected constantly. 😝 Keep doing the hard stuff. You’re doing a great job!