If Your Kid Had A Label, What Would It Say?

We are the voices inside our kid’s heads.

It’s bigger than toddlers repeating our curse words. Our voices are the mental reels that play over and over again inside our kids minds. We are influencing and helping them form thoughts and opinions about themselves and world. They are listening when we think they aren’t. They are watching, absorbing, and paying attention.

If your kid came with a label, what would it say? When was the last time you referred to one of your kids—joking or not—as:

• Angel baby

• Sassy

• A teenager (when they aren't even in double digits)

• Problem

• Trouble

• Wild

• Brat

• Little devil

• Spoiled

• Punk

• ADD

• OCD

• The quiet one

• Dramatic

• Shy

• Our athlete

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Dr. Brenna Hicks, a licensed therapist, says in her article, “Being mindful of the descriptions we give off to children can make a difference in the self-esteem and self-concept that they develop. The self-fulfilling prophecy can go both ways- a child told he is lazy will likely be so, but the opposite is also true that a child told they are helpful will help. Keeping the focus on the child’s positive attributes, while avoiding labels, can encourage children to become healthy and happy.”

Our kids are listening. They hear us use short-cuts when we are talking about them to other adults. We might not really mean them. We might use them to keep ourselves or our kid from being judged first. We might have learned this habit from our parents. We might be using labels as a way to connect quickly with other parents/caregivers and let them know we get it, too!

Parenting is hard.

However, growing up and hearing your hero talk about you like you are perfect or a problem is also hard.

Take your kid’s mental health seriously.

This Week:

1. Start with just catching or noticing yourself labeling your kids (even if it is just a thought and you don’t say it out loud)!
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   I’ll go first: This week, I said (only to Dan) that our one kid is “such a rule-follower.” It’s sorta true—but not always—and definitely an unnecessary, unhelpful, and unimportant label. It helps no one and nothing. Instead, I’ll notice and enjoy the way she values integrity (which is one of our top three Family Values!) I’m trying, ya’ll! 😝
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2. Try working with the issue. Instead of “She’s so sassy/he just knows what he wants...hahaha” try an experiment where you immediately reframe and give them new, more respectful phrases to say instead, like “Hey, when you want something, it’s more likely you’ll get it if you ask me in a nice way like this ____. Please be respectful or you will have to get it yourself.”
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   One thing I say gently to my kids to increase their empathy and awareness in these moments is: “How would you feel if I talked to you like that?” And sometimes, I’ll ask if I can mimic/imitate it back in order to share with them and help them be aware of the way it sounded to me. After the shoulder shrug, I wait until they repeat the request back to me in a nicer, more respectful way. It takes practice (and boundaries)!
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3. Consider alternatives to the labels internally before saying them out loud to your kid. Instead of “thank god for my angel baby,” try “the way she includes her younger sister is really sweet.” Instead of “that’s my lil athlete” you could try “I really enjoy watching my kid play soccer” or “it’s so cool to see how much my kid loves sports.” When you’re ready and confident that you can change the labeling to an out-loud, positive affirmation, try phrases out-loud to your kids, like “you know, it’s so cool that you include your sister. I know it means a lot to her,” or “that was such a great game today and it looked like you were having a lot of fun.”

We are doing such a Great Job! (<-- a very out-loud, positive affirmation 😜)