When and When Not to “Bite Your Tongue”
By Emily Mall —
Jul 12, 2024
Our Pivotal kids are getting older, wiser, and more opinionated than ever. (And we are accepting good vibes and prayers from everyone at this difficult time, thank you).
This is tough, since one of our main roles as parents and caregivers is to teach our kids, which involves correcting, letting them know right from wrong (based on your Family Values), and letting them experience wins and successes along with failures and consequences. It also involves a hot topic around teaching...inserting opinions.
By definition, an opinion is: a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. They’re our own conglomeration of facts, feelings, choices, views, beliefs, etc. We choose to have them, let go of them, change, them, or share them.
Should we instill our opinions in our kids?
There is definitely space for sharing your opinions in order to have a teaching moment with your kid.
“The ability to share opinions and accept differences is a cornerstone of social-emotional learning. By teaching students to express their thoughts and feelings, we empower them to engage in meaningful conversations and develop strong relationships. Furthermore, learning to accept and respect differing viewpoints fosters empathy and understanding, skills that are essential for navigating the diverse world we live in.” (Everyday Speech)
However, as the parent/caregiver, consider the power and influence you have over your kids. They’ve been repeating our words since infancy. They mimic our mannerisms, our facial expressions, and even our noises. (I recently caught myself blowing raspberries when frustrated...just like my dad did when he tackled any sort of project! 😝) Our kids consider our careers, our habits, who we vote for, what religion we’ve chosen or not, etc. They watch, they absorb, and they become.
Now that our Pivotal kids are older and more independent, there is less teaching required. And yet, because of our desire to still have an impact in our kids lives, we wind up sharing our advice or our opinions. For example, do your parents/caregivers still give you unsolicited advice or share their opinions with you?
We feel pressure to get our point across. Even when we have good intentions, this process results in our kids feeling dismissed and overlooked. At this developmental point in their lives, they are trying to become independent. They are questioning their beliefs, their likes and dislikes, and even—how dare they—us.
What should we do? When should we share our opinions?
1) Practice holding back for even a few seconds, and allow your kids to feel heard. That way, in turn, they are much more willing to listen. Nod along as they share. Ask follow up questions, like: “How did that make you feel?” “Was that hard for you?” “What else happened?”
2) Ask before offering advice or opinions. If they say yes, they will be so much more open and willing to absorb your thoughts and experience. “Can I tell you what I think?” Or, “I have a few opinions, can I share them with you? You don't have to share mine, but I just wanted to let you know what I think/feel in case it is helpful.”
Dan and I have a practice of asking each other: “Do you want me to help or do you want me to listen?”
3) Practice being okay (and not insulted) when they don’t want your opinions. They may not want your opinions! Yikes. But it’s ok! They might just want to feel heard, vent, share, and get sympathy or empathy for what they are going through. You can respond with: “I get it. It’s okay with me if you don’t want my opinion. You can ask me for it later if you want.”
This week: Try the exercises above at least once. How do you feel about your kids having different opinions than you? Consider what your answer means and what it actually looks like for your family. For example: A) It’s important your kids share your opinions and live their lives like you did because it was a safe and happy childhood and that’s want for them. B) It’s important to you to maintain your authority and power dynamic with them, and that looks like them not having their own opinions or lives until they move out. C) It’s important they have their own opinions, and that looks like them not going to church with you, voting for the same politician, or eating the same foods as you. D) It’s important they have their own opinions, and that means they express and act on them in school, at home, with friends, etc.
If you aren’t sure how you feel about them having different opinions: spend the week noticing how you feel after you’ve (asked and) shared your opinions. How do you feel as you are sharing? What are you hoping they will take away from your advice? How do you feel after they reacted, whether in agreement or disagreement? Do you argue to make them see your side and agree? Or do you shrug your shoulders and consider their differing point of view? Pay attention to your reactions.
What a tough and beautiful privilege to watch our kiddos go through this stage of growing up into their own people.
You’re doing a Great Job!
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