Have You Ever Reached Your Limit With Your Kid?

By Emily Mall —

Sep 7, 2024

When you feel you have HAD it with your kid...you dear friend, are triggered.

So what? What does this mean?

It means you are out of tools in your emotional management toolbox.

When you are “triggered,” you are in distress because of something read, seen, or heard, and typically as a result of arousing feelings or memories associated with a particular traumatic or vital experience. (Dan and I talk a lot about how utterly normal it is to be triggered by our kids on The Great Job! Podcast!). Being a parent or caregiver brings up all kinds of triggers because it reminds us of the good and bad from our own childhoods.

When you have reached the “last straw” or find yourself on your “last nerve” with your kids, consider how you felt as a kid when you were in your kids exact situation. Maybe you remember that you’d get so angry you’d lash out and hurt others, or maybe you were so sensitive that any small criticism would shut you down for days. Perhaps you remember your parents being hard on you for what seemed like no reason, or maybe there were life skills you struggled with that your siblings or other kids didn’t.

Chances are, your kid is struggling with the same (or similar) issues that you did as a kid (and perhaps didn’t even realize it at the time). It’s triggering for you now, because as a kid, you likely weren’t taught helpful skills, strategies, tools, or ways to manage whatever big emotions, overwhelm, or chaos you felt. As an adult, you are watching your kid go through the same thing, which stirs up those old memories and feelings that were never managed.

Great Job! In your Inbox

Get strategies, systems, and support for parents and caregivers raising amazing kids delivered directly to you via email every week.

Great Job! In your Inbox

Get strategies, systems, and support for parents and caregivers raising amazing kids delivered directly to you via email every week.

Great Job! In your Inbox

Get strategies, systems, and support for parents and caregivers raising amazing kids delivered directly to you via email every week.

Here’s the bad news (I promise there’s good news after): being triggered is a sign that you are still missing the tools to manage this issue. Yes, ugh, there are still things we (all!) need to work on.

Here’s the good news: You’re an adult now! You have the capability and capacity to obtain more tools! Your brain is mature enough to notice, be aware, and catch your trigger in a way that you couldn’t have done as a kid. You can get support, enlist help, read books, take classes, listen to The Great Job! Podcast 😜, talk to someone (a therapist!), ask friends, communicate with your family, etc. Taking responsibility for your reactions and being aware of your emotional capacity are signs that you are a mature adult, so take heart! ❤️

Break negative generational cycles.

We all have triggers AND we all have the capacity as humans to learn and grow. We can add more tools not just to our own toolboxes, but to our kids tool boxes as well. It’s win-win!

This Week: Think about the last time you lost it with your kid over something and found yourself fuming, ruminating, or being over-emotional about it for a while afterwards. I’ll go first: my youngest promised to clean her room all week, then on Friday she out-right refused. She was overwhelmed by it and the idea of starting. In the past I’ve rescued her from this feeling (a sign!) and helped her, but this week I was unwilling to do it, and it needed to be done by the next day. I got so frustrated when she started crying that I had to pass the baton to Dan and go for a drive. This is definitely something that was hard for me as a sensitive kid...I still want to be rescued when I’m overwhelmed. I’m working on it!

In what ways have you noticed being triggered lately?

Was it your kids being disrespectful and talking back to you?
Did they refuse to clean their room?
Were they ungrateful or demonstrating ungratefulness for all you do for them?
Was it an argument over who was right or wrong about something?
Did they lie to you or hide something from you?

Do you remember what happened when you did this same thing as a kid? How did your parents/caregivers react? Did they help or make it worse? Did the issue resolve, or were you mostly confused or uncertain why something was such a big deal? Spend ten minutes this week doing a bit of research (googling, parenting books, chat with friends, therapist, etc.) about your trigger to discover new, healthy ways (new tools!) of managing or coping. It could be as simple as taking a deep breath before responding, leaving the room for fifteen minutes, talking it out in a quiet space with your kid, etc. Test out a new tool this week.

You are an amazing human. And you’re doing a Great job!