How Stepping Back Can Actually Mean Doing More
By Emily Mall —
Mar 8, 2024
When you were a kid, did you ever do a project for the science fair or your science class?
This past weekend at Mall Manor, our youngest, Charlie, asked us if we’d sign her up for the science fair. Remembering how two weeks ago I spent a ton of time and $40 at Micheals Arts & Crafts store helping her make a Valentine’s day “vending machine” card box to bring to class, I said no, and told her she could ask her dad. Dan agreed, and said that he’d be the parent in charge of making it happen for her.
The two of them spent all weekend conducting experiments and calling each other “doctor.” 🤣 Then, the day before the science fair, I checked her poster while she was decorating it. All the important “Hypothesis” and other sections were missing! So OF COURSE I told Charlie about my own little kid science fair experience of not including them and being penalized for it, and jumped in to make sure she added them to her poster. It then became a whole family affair as we decorated, embellished, and hung rock crystals.
When we got to the science fair, Dan asked Charlie if she thought she’d win first prize. “Dad, it’s non-competitive!” What! We were baffled. All that work and no prize? It was then that Dan revealed he’d won a non-competitive science fair when he was a kid. “Well, technically my mom won it. She basically recreated Noah’s Ark or something, and it was so good she won.”
It’s so hard not do the work for our kids.
We know it would be so much easier and faster if they just lick the spoon instead of pouring the flour, cracking the eggs, or mixing the ingredients. Doing the work for your kids only solves the problem short-term and—in some cases—just temporarily. They will still need to learn how to develop habits and systems that help them keep their room clean, to know how to solve the math problems on their own for the test, and figure out how to feed themselves when they are hungry.
Always “ing-ing” for kids (solving, doing, rescuing) makes it tough for them to learn crucial skills like:
Coping
Empathizing
Decision making
Problem solving
Stepping back and letting them do the work, actually achieves more in the long run than if we jump in and do it for them.
What to try this week: Focus on the long game. Take a deep breath, and practice letting your Pivotal kids do things themselves. Try teaching them how to do it first a few times if necessary. Or, if they’re older, wait until they ask for help before you step in. Let them complete their homework first before you check it or ask them to clean their rooms. Let them practice making one of their own meals or packing their own lunch. Resist the urge to step in to make it go faster (remember: short term gain = long term loss!).
If you encounter resistance (i.e. whining) consider it a sign that they can absolutely do the task themselves! Refuse to do the work for them, leave the room if you have to, and let them feel the pain and consequences of not doing the work for themselves. Maybe feeling the pain of eating a school lunch they don’t like will encourage them to pack their own. Maybe the consequences of doing nothing all weekend and missing out with friends will be motivation enough for them to clean their rooms and figure out how to keep them clean.
You can do this!
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